A New Year, A New You?

It's that time of year. Faceb00k feeds are full of either New Year's resolutions or people who are vowing not to resolve anything because they never stick anyways.

For me, it's a toss up. I like improving myself. I like goals. I like a 'scheduled' time of year to rededicate yourself to something. I stick to a lot of them. I'm also the Type A kind of person who sets these 'all or nothing' goals and then is depressed when I can't exercise everyday.

And, lets face it, people are inherently lazy. I consider myself to have a great work ethic, and I always have. I don't watch TV unless I'm folding laundry. I hate idle moments. I worked 56 hours over my Christmas vacation. My high school class voted me hardest worker, which was probably supposed to be a shot at me, but I considered it a compliment. I like being busy and accomplishing things. But even I don't stick to 'every day' resolutions. And I find that telling myself it's a resolution sets something in my subconscious to reject it. I do much better if I face each decision one step at a time. Then it's not a chore, it's a decision.

There are things I need to do. I am female, so even the fact that I lost 10 lbs in the last 2 months still leaves me with wanting to lose weight. But I can honestly say, I don't care if I do. I'm happy with the way I look. Sure I'm a little squishy here and there, but I have four kids, work a full time job, and still manage to exercise....occasionally. I would like to exercise more. But I don't consider a bad habit that needs breaking, at this point. I consider it a good habit that needs a re-vamp. I ran more races this year than I ever have, but I probably trained less.

But the main thing I need to do is stop giving myself such a hard time.  I re-read a post I wrote last year at this time, and I said all I wanted to do was slow down. It's true, I probably do need to slow down. But I like fast-paced. I like being busy and having a full schedule. I thrive on it. And so do my over-achieving kids. So I'm going to stop giving myself a hard time about it. Just because society says we need to stop and smell the flowers doesn't mean we all need to. If living a crazy schedule makes us happy, THATS OKAY.

It's also okay that I curse like a sailor, that I like to drink beer and not girly drinks, that I am super competitive, that I get defensive about something at least five times a day, that I am on my phone too much, that I make myself too accessible and am an enabler at work, that I don't take any time for myself, that I tend to go all or nothing, that my house is too small, that I might yell too much (I do try to work on that one - but OMG parents have been yelling for centuries, and most people turn out okay), that I cut my nails off super short, that I have paid thousands of dollars for laser hair removal, that I don't go to church enough, and all of the other million things that I feel like I should probably try to change because someone or something is making me feel like I should. Those things about me are all okay. And actually, I like those things about myself. And if I make an effort and improve one of those things, that's okay, too.

And this next thing is probably soooooooo trite. But it's probably trite because it's a normal human characteristic. I'm going to stop caring about other people's perception and stop trying to prove myself to anyone. This is one that probably makes people say "uh huh....right." But I can honestly say, I've already started. My boss actually had a conversation with me earlier this year, that boiled down to people that I work with not giving me due credit and considering me inferior to my male coworker, who is essentially an equal. I don't consider this guy an equal, he has taught me 90% of what I know about my field. He's 15 years older than me and has experience that I don't. I still learn from him every damn day. I don't mean it to sound like it affected he and I - we have a greeat working relationship. But as far as my company is concerned, we should be 'experts' on the same level. There were rumblings that I wasn't. By one sales guy. I was pissed. I ranted to several people who all basically said "prove him wrong." To which I said "FUCK THAT." I am not spending one minute of my time trying to convince this asshole that I'm worthy of his respect. He wants to pull his head out of his ass and realize I'm good at my job, that's great. If he doesn't, fuck him, he'd better not ask me for help. And I've given him the cold shoulder ever since. Juvenile? Yes. But it's what I needed to do for me.

So, I'm applying the same theory everywhere else. I'm good at my life, and I know that. And that's enough. To those who think I'm doing things wrong - I don't care.